One of the unique features of the POD publishing company I work for is that the author is assigned a personal representative upon deposit of a nominal fee. When I’m not editing, I am in the role of Author Care. Some authors need more care than others. Some are unpleasant nutjobs, and some are rather pleasant lunatics. I currently have an author in the latter category, of whose correspondence with me over the past two weeks there is a representative sample below. Names and some identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent, but the exact sense is quite intact.
From: Guildford Gossage
To: David Rochester
Re: “Fables”
Dear Mr. Rochester,
I know you will be very pleased to learn that I have successfully secured my deposit with your company, and that my “Fables” will be ready for publication in March of 2010. I trust that these tales of wonder and wisdom will stand the test of time. I am also working very hard on my second project, an epic novel titled “Legendary Altercation.” I am always in need of encouragement, and would very much like to hear from you.
To: Guildford Gossage
From: David Rochester
Re: Publication
Dear Mr. Gossage,
DelusionalPress is delighted to have you as one of our authors. I look forward to being able to read your manuscript when it is ready, and applaud your industriousness.
From: Guildford Gossage
Re: Mystical Coincidence
Dear Mr. Rochester,
How it gladdened my heart to hear from you! I thank you for your kind consideration. Today when I was making my way home from the Soho boite where I regularly take my luncheon of a Thursday, I saw a lone tattered figure in the park, coaxing a melancholy tune from a nose-flute. I know not whence he came, nor what his purpose. I was immediately inspired to write a story about him, which I shall add to my “Fables.” I feel guided by forces beyond my understanding.
From: David Rochester
Re: Publication
Dear Mr. Gossage,
I’m glad to hear you’re still hard at work — and how you must enjoy living in an atmosphere so conducive to your flights of fancy! I envy you.
From: Guildford Gossage
Re: A Delicate Matter
Dear Mr. Rochester,
You will be pleased to know that I have secured the services of a professional typist to prepare the manuscript for “Fables.” I have approached someone known to me to write the introduction, as I fear it would be too forward to introduce my own maiden voyage onto the seas of print. What is your opinion on this matter?
From: David Rochester
Re: Publication
Dear Mr. Gossage,
I think it is quite appropriate for you to ask a trusted friend or colleague to write your introduction. Many authors find it to be overly self-congratulatory to write their own introductions, although sometimes an author will have a philosophical statement or other explanation to make. However, such material can easily be included in a prologue. I do look forward to reading your manuscript when the typist has finished with it.
From: Guildford Gossage
Re: An Astonishing Climax
Dear Mr. Rochester,
I wished to tell you that I am hard at work on “Legendary Altercation.” I envision the climax of the piece as a great battle — a heroic clash of hitherto undreamed-of scope and detail. The most exciting parts have yet to be written. My manuscript is currently at forty handwritten legal-sized pages, and at this time there is no end in sight.
… to which I am desperately tempted to respond: “Evidently your closing remark is true in more ways than one.”
June 19, 2009 at 9:05 pm |
This is great! I’m going to send you a note too. It will read…
Dear Mr. Rochester,
I’m in the midst of writing a book. It’s absolutely fantastic. I know it will be a NYT best seller because I am a great writer, extremely creative, and everything I do turns to gold. I just don’t have any idea yet what the book will be about. But I can assure you everyone will want to read it. I already have lined up friends of mine to write critiques for the back cover. They are so enthusiastic about this project as I sincerely hope you are also.
With warm wishes,
Paul
June 19, 2009 at 9:09 pm |
Yeah, that sounds about right. In order to really fit in, though, you need to add something about “I don’t want my book to languish somewhere on the bottom shelf, so I hope you’ll use all your connections to make sure it succeeds.”
June 19, 2009 at 9:25 pm |
This is over the top (even for me) but this post somehow makes me think of the sade tale of Emperor Maximilian if Mexico and his poor sad wife Carlotta. Are you familiar with this tragic tale?
He was placed on the throne of Mexico by Napoleon III. He was overthrown and executed by Mexican general Benito Juarez. Carlotta went mad and ended up in Europe, believing she was still the Empress of Mexico (indulged by her relatives).
In the narrative you present here, you strike me as one of the indulgent relatives indulging the mad author. However, I may be the mad comment poster you are indulging.
June 19, 2009 at 9:44 pm |
Actually yes, I am familiar with that story.
And … yes, blogging has given me a great deal of practice in being indulgent. *cough*
June 19, 2009 at 9:31 pm |
Awesome. Are you making this up?
June 19, 2009 at 9:34 pm |
No. I’m really not.
June 19, 2009 at 10:12 pm |
Oh, this is priceless. You could write British comedy. I’d fall on the floor laughing!
June 20, 2009 at 9:15 am |
Thank you.
It would be an honor to make you fall on the floor.
I mean, um.
Never mind!
June 20, 2009 at 5:28 am |
Oy. These authors. I’m working with a lovely woman who insists on phone calls. PHONE CALLS! ME! She can’t do anything by e-mail, nor is she able to figure out Word’s track changes feature, so, yes, she prints out a hard copy, marks it up, and MAILS it to me. But each set of chapters requires at least 3 phone calls. Yesterday we talked for an hour and a half and that was only because she had somewhere to go. She wanted to call me back in the (FRIDAY!) evening or the next (SATURDAY!) morning. No. Good thing our publishing company doesn’t have an Author Care position
Thanks for letting me vent.
JD at I Do Things
June 20, 2009 at 9:16 am |
Ach, mein Gott.
Although I have to say, Track Changes is a real pain in the pants in a lot of ways … I do miss the red-pen days. (Don’t tell anyone.)
June 20, 2009 at 5:49 am |
yes, I was thinking British comedy…being that I have a British husband…is this guy British??
So they don’t pay you enough to be this thoroughly entertained??
I jest…I get that it’s mostly funny in the retelling.
thanks for that.
June 20, 2009 at 9:13 am |
He’s either British or gay. Maybe both.
June 20, 2009 at 5:50 am |
for follow-up notification (forgot to click on the box first time)
June 20, 2009 at 5:52 am |
Wow, now I’m starting to feel bad about my friends who have always been supportive of my writing: my sister (Shakespearemom), the same JD who just commented (I can use email though), and flit. Even you, David.
I wonder if I’m the same self-deluded nutbag only I convinced myself *I* can really write. I mean, I think your writer sounds, well, pathetic, but what if I’m cut from the same cloth.
I’m sorry, my friends, if I am. I hope you all are good enough friends to tell me I’m an idiot when I am one.
Whoa – moment of neurosis. Perhaps I should go back to bed.
June 20, 2009 at 9:12 am |
I’m pretty sure I’d tell you if I thought you were an idiot.
Additionally, this guy may be a fine writer; I’ve never seen his work. It’s his interpersonal skills that are questionable, IMO.
June 20, 2009 at 5:54 am |
By the way, though I try to be supportive to my writing friends (and I have several), I’m glad I don’t have your job. The friends I have that solicit my opinion can mostly all write and those that don’t…they don’t often stay my friends.
Actually, the latter doesn’t happen very often. I’m much more likely to be in awe of their writing than I am to be disappointed. As with yours, David.
June 20, 2009 at 7:54 am |
O.k. That guy was plain wierd. I really am at a loss for words to think of any more comments. You handled the guy well David. I’d be so tempted to tell the guy to go back on his meds!
June 20, 2009 at 9:07 am |
Lol! Too funny, although I hasten to add that some distinction should be made between British humour and madness, even if that line isn’t always clear in the Monty Python team.
June 20, 2009 at 9:11 am |
Oh, I’m not seeing madness in the author’s mode of iteration … it’s more in the fact that he apparently thinks a $50 deposit entitles him to unlimited communication between now and next March. Although perhaps that’s not insanity so much as just plain rudeness.
June 20, 2009 at 10:05 am |
Oh, Piffle! You’ve elicited such an eructation of guffaws from me that I’ve gotten coffee all over my robe de chambre and my boarde de keyes.
June 20, 2009 at 11:32 am |
David, my friend, please tell me I’m not as self-absorbed as this fellow when I present my unpublished plays to you. Amusing as his written discourse is, I cannot imagine even being in the same room with him without constantly smirking. Or is he akin to my actor friend whom you met last spring?
June 20, 2009 at 1:05 pm |
Hi, David -
Will you be in charge of my “author care”? I also need some attention — and you are so good at it! LOL.
- Marie (Coming Out of the Trees)
http://mmaaggnnaa.wordpress.com/
June 20, 2009 at 2:47 pm |
Perhaps you could publish a collection of the best emails between now and March… seems as though you’re likely to have enough for a series by then.
June 20, 2009 at 6:34 pm |
“Author care” sounds suspiciously like another kind of “customer care” now that I think of it, though the industry I am thinking of involves quite a bit of very close physical contact between the participants.
You seem to be spared that aspect, but still, wear gloves as you type and read the emails from this customer.
June 20, 2009 at 7:42 pm |
Wouldn’t one of those mifty clear plastic keyboard condoms be sufficient?
June 20, 2009 at 7:43 pm |
Sorry, I meant nifty. Or milfy. Or something.
June 20, 2009 at 8:40 pm |
ROTFLMAO! @ DelusionalPress
Ever thought of working for the BECG, in customer service? You could meet your nut-jobs face to face.
June 22, 2009 at 11:41 pm |
I get enough of that in my day job. Really.
June 22, 2009 at 12:36 pm |
I am so glad that most of the authors I work with are college professors, and therefore usually not too delusional or needy. And that my job isn’t to “care” for them in any way, shape, or form, just correct their spelling and grammar.
You are so polite. I imagine you saying all this while serving crustless cucumber and watercress sandwiches and pound cake. But thank god it’s really all via email, no?
June 22, 2009 at 11:41 pm |
College professors, not delusional or needy? I can’t tell whether you’re being ironic, or if you really are that lucky!
June 23, 2009 at 7:34 am
No really, so far (knock wood) I’ve only had one guy who was a little odd, and that was just in his writing not in our interactions. Everyone else has been quite normal and professional.
I think they expend too much energy writing this stuff to be too weird personally. I mean, here’s a sentence from what I’m editing right now:
“The other, and more important, objectivity-involving disanalogy concerns the agreement-injudgment-among-normal-observers test for the objectivity or veridicality of a perceptual experience.”
I’m just grateful I can make out what the parts of speech are and don’t have to edit for sense!
June 22, 2009 at 7:02 pm |
He can’t be English. He just can’t. I won’t have it.
At least your author’s aren’t supposedly professional. Ours are actually being paid for their services and are still unable to a) open a pdf file via email or b) comprehend the difference between writing British English or American English.
And as for understanding proof-reader’s mark ups… not so much.
June 22, 2009 at 11:42 pm |
Yes, if they were supposedly professional, I’d have to kill them.
June 23, 2009 at 2:31 pm |
Oh David – after reading backwards (not literally I hasten to add!!!) I found this post much more uplifting than the one on which I’ve just left a comment.
This guy sounds completely mad – the connection to him therefore being British slightly puzzles me!!!!!!!! (but perhaps being of Irish/Scotish descent but living in the UK I shouldn’t be worried?!!!)
Does he think 50 bucks gives him the right to have a daily email exchange?
Actually I’ve just realised what it reminded me of…. there’s a book over here called “The Timewaster Letters” – have you ever heard of it….? You could actually be the ghost writer lol….
June 24, 2009 at 1:35 pm |
You should really write a book about having to be the witness/cheerleader/midwife while other people write a book.
Your little glimpses and insights are uproarious.