1) Every year it comes to my attention that the creators of Father’s Day cards assume that the person buying the card actually likes his or her father. There do not seem to be any “lip service” cards, nor any that say “We work together, so I’m pretty much forced to get you a card.” They are all along the lines of “You’re the best” or “Thanks for all your support!” or “Thanks for teaching me to drive and sending me to college” or “Thanks for bailing me out of jail and lending me that rent money.” There are none that say “You owe me at least $20K for therapy” or “Thanks for nothing, asswipe” or even “What the hell made you think you should be a parent?”
Someone is really missing a niche market, here.
2) Tomorrow I am going to a combination birthday party/housewarming/wake. I really don’t know what attitude to adopt.
June 13, 2009 at 9:05 pm |
I am envisioning a Hallmark store divided into two sections: The way we wish things were cards and the way things actually are cards.
June 13, 2009 at 10:01 pm |
1) Agreed, but why limit it to fathers?
2)That IS an interesting combination. Someone’s going to have quite the birthday memory. How auspicious, too, for a housewarming party!
June 13, 2009 at 10:02 pm |
My husband commented that the only thing your second party lacks is an orgy. Perhaps that’s just an oversight?
June 14, 2009 at 7:55 pm |
Ha! I think it’s in the plans, just not articulated.
June 14, 2009 at 5:03 am |
I need one of those cards — mine would say something like “It would be great to have a Dad that had an emotional age of greater than four!”
June 14, 2009 at 5:41 am |
David, love the greeting cards. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.
As for the party… hmmm, I guess it depends on which card you are taking.
June 14, 2009 at 5:41 am |
Perhaps someone should market Father’s Day cards with a condom enclosure.
June 14, 2009 at 7:55 pm |
Or a vasectomy enclosure.
June 14, 2009 at 6:28 am |
I always have to very carefully pick mothers and fathers day cards both…even though I love my mom…
I just can’t buy a bullshit card full of false sentiment…so I look for ANYTHING that isn’t an outright falsehood..I usually manage with something…but I get it…it’s not easy.
June 14, 2009 at 7:56 pm |
I think blank cards are a Godsend for this sort of occasion.
June 17, 2009 at 8:01 am
yes, I often go the blank card route…but sometimes I’m stuck in a store where they aren’t available either…then I read everything very carefully and find something that is truthful but not hyperbole in any way…I do love them both in some sort of way…so if I try really hard I can usually find something that doesn’t nauseate me and also is not an abject lie.
June 14, 2009 at 1:03 pm |
Yeah, I’d have liked to give my Dad one that said, “Thanks for nothing, fucker!”
June 14, 2009 at 2:01 pm |
Is it the dead person’s birthday in their recently bought house?
Great card ideas.
June 14, 2009 at 7:56 pm |
Well, almost.
June 14, 2009 at 2:37 pm |
Not someone, but you, David. You are missing out on making a boat load of money. You could create cards that express less than positive sentiments toward family and acquaintances. Or you could go with not buying your father a card at all and not recognizing the holiday. What obligation do you feel to do so if you hate him so much? It seems to me he felt little obligation to you and to making your childhood pleasureable (you may choose a different word other than pleasureable-normal, perhaps?). Anyway, what’s your motivation, here, to celebrate him? Are you living by the golden rule, if so, one would think that 35 or so years of “doing unto others” would have sunk in by now with him. So, I say, with incredible feelings of grumpiness today, screw it! Forget it and blow it all off. Move on! Choose to celebrate some other man you like better on father’s day this year. Wow. As you know, this is not like me at all to offer such advice, but as I said, I’m pretty grumpy today. Take it all with a grain of salt.
June 14, 2009 at 7:57 pm |
You really are grumpy, Spec! Normally I wouldn’t bother with the lip service, but since my dad is still my business partner, I kind of have to make some nominal gesture, nauseating though I find it to be.
June 14, 2009 at 3:52 pm |
That has to be one of the oddest “party” combinations I’ve ever heard of.
I hope the birthday party and the wake are not for the same person.
As to the cards, my brother and I had a very similar conversation about just that sort of thing… was a birthday card rather than Father’s Day…but similar issue.
June 14, 2009 at 7:57 pm |
It really was the weirdest gathering ever. I left after half an hour … I don’t do well with crowds.
June 14, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I always go on the premise of “the IQ of any crowd is the average IQ of all its constituent individuals divided by the number present.” Gives you the shivers, it does…
June 14, 2009 at 9:50 pm |
1) I saw a gift card in Home Depot. On the front it said, “Happy Fathers Day! I wrapped it myself.” Thought it was kind of cold. Maybe…
2) Dang!
June 14, 2009 at 11:11 pm |
1) mmm, I just had to buy a birthday card for my mother and had the same dilemma. I don’t want one that says ‘To the Best Mum in the World’ or ‘May your birthday be as fantastic as you are!’… what I need is one that says ‘Well, it turns out you didn’t actually poison us with those years of charred fish cakes and well, you know, we all had shoes, so that’s good. Happy birthday.’
2) a circumspect one.
June 15, 2009 at 1:47 pm |
I am now envisioning a card with a dial in it and a circular scale ranging from 0 to 100%.
Before putting the card in the envelope, you can point it at the appropriate number.
(Later, the recipient can adjust the dial for public display in dwelling.)
June 16, 2009 at 6:20 am |
This card would be perfect!
http://www.someecards.com/card/dad-our-relationship-means-the-world-to-my-therapist
June 17, 2009 at 5:53 am |
This was a great laugh to start my day!
One of the great things about having kids is that they can send cute cards to their grandparents,. and that satisfies the cultural obligation to honor the holiday.
June 17, 2009 at 7:45 am |
How about handcrafting a card with an appropriate sentiment? You could even clip a pic that resonates the feeling you want to put across. People so appreciate handcrafts. They show you really, really made the extra effort to say how you feel.
And if there’s gall and wormwood to be infused, it’ll come across so much more gally and wormwoody if the pencil marks are deep and black!
Something like – “Dad, you’re a #1 bastard and a negative role-model for a whole generation of parents! You make me proud!” should do it.
June 17, 2009 at 7:55 am |
For years I’ve been thinking of producing “statement cards” for various occasions. No emotion, no hyperbole, just cold, hard facts. “You’re my father. It’s Father’s Day. I bought this card for you.” “You’re my sister. It’s your birthday. Here’s a card.” It wouldn’t be mean, per se, but you wouldn’t be forced into saying anything you didn’t feel, either.
June 17, 2009 at 7:58 am |
Excellent, Aunty Christ!
June 17, 2009 at 8:02 am |
oh I might add…I haven’t gotten my father a card this year yet and he lives cross country…I won’t be able to go to a store today either…therefore this year it will be a phone call…
all I got for my birthday this year from him was an email!!
that was a first even for him.