1) A prominent item on the news today informed me that a man was shot and killed in the parking lot of the condominium complex where I used to live. He slashed his wrists and then called 9-1-1 to report “a bloody man with a knife” in the parking lot. He then went outside with the knife, which he refused to drop when the police arrived, and was shot by the police. Or at least, this is the official story. It was very strange to see that familiar scenery in news photos.
2) I do get a lot of laughable material from the POD publisher, but my current project, while it needs a lot of work, isn’t laughable at all. If I’d known what it was, I might have passed it on to a different editor, but — having started it, I’ll finish it. It’s the memoir of a woman, now in her middle thirties, who has had a life of unremitting tragedy and degradation. Events in her life include being sodomized by a family friend at the age of six, being forced by her mother to sleep in the hall closet for six months when she was seven, being sexually abused by her mother’s boyfriend for two years before she turned ten, having her first pregnancy and dropping out of school at the age of thirteen, having four children total due to ignorance and an inability to say “no” to anyone who seemed the least bit affectionate, and losing all of her children to street gangs and drugs. The purpose of this memoir, as she says in the preface, is to allow people to learn from her mistakes; despite everything that has happened to her, she is quite aware of the choices she made. She is a very intelligent woman and an effective storyteller, but her lack of formal education means that each sentence has several errors that require correction.
I am finding this material so painful to work on that I finally skipped to the end and started working backwards, as the events are less coherent (and therefore less disturbing) that way. The writing needs so much work that there’s no way to just skim over it, as I’ve done with some of the other books I’ve edited. After every page, I am tempted to ask my manager to reassign the project. Then I ask myself what kind of coward I am, exactly … if this poor woman could live this life, surely I can edit for her. And I care about it being done correctly. Making this woman look as good as she possibly can is the least I can do for her. It’s hard, though. I don’t want to see this. I want to run away from her life … but not as much as she wants to, I’m sure.
June 6, 2009 at 9:08 pm |
David,
I don’t read stuff like that anymore on blogs…I can’t handle it so I understand how hard it is…it will be over relatively soon I imagine…
but you know…do consider whether it’s healthy for you or not…I don’t believe it would be cowardice to turn it over to another if you cannot handle it right now.
taking care of yourself might instead indicate courage.
June 6, 2009 at 9:15 pm |
I’m close to being done with it, so I think I’ll stick it out. It has been extremely upsetting, though, I have to say. Mostly because when I read something like that, I wonder what excuse I have to be as fucked up as I am. This poor woman never had a chance in hell.
June 6, 2009 at 9:26 pm
well…I say again and again, and I believe it with the depth of my being even if it sounds cliche…that suffering is all relative…
it’s pointless to beat yourself up about being more fucked up then you should be…on the other hand I do find it helpful to have some perspective about how many people have it so much worse than me…
peace to you David.
June 6, 2009 at 10:37 pm |
1. That was a very tragic story. My neighbor told me her boyfriend did the same thing three years ago. Very sad.
2. She’s lucky to have someone like you. Others would have given up long ago or not even tackled the job. I’m glad you sticking it out.
June 7, 2009 at 6:29 am |
It really is terrible, particularly for the police, I think, who were really in a no-win situation.
June 6, 2009 at 11:09 pm |
1) It’s called “death by cop”, and always tragic for everyone involved.
2) Corina’s right. She’s lucky to have someone so committed to making sure her story is done well.
June 7, 2009 at 6:30 am |
Thanks, Shawn. I do care, though I will be very relieved when I’m done.
June 7, 2009 at 12:33 am |
Dear David,
Please dear stop judging yourself so harshly and inaccurately. You don’t have all the facts. What would you say to someone else? Probably something incredibly insightful, loving, and kind.
I was abused through bullying. I was also abused through joyless and verbally abusive lessons in ballet and voice. However though I was very young, I had someone who believed that a chilc learns through joy and since he was paying for the lessons, I was able to get away from this kind of soul sucking environment.
None of what I went through from bullying or teachers was even a small percentage of what you went through. And yet it was devastating and it was life transforming. Please cut yourself some slack.
I’m sorry that you were presented with this job. I know that this woman is very lucky to have you doing her editing.
Good and healing thoughts to you.
Kate
June 7, 2009 at 6:35 am |
Thank you, Kate. I’ve never been able to figure out where that line is between keeping things in perspective, and dismissing what actually did happen. I’m very lucky in many ways … and one of those ways is that I’ve never been a black woman living on the edge of poverty in Jersey City, with a sexually abusive stepfather and four children to feed. Then again, there are a lot of folks who aren’t that woman, and whose suffering I wouldn’t dismiss, so … you and Gianna are right; it’s all pretty relative.
June 7, 2009 at 2:55 am |
*sigh*
Here it’s called “suicide by cop”, and is always tragic for everyone involved.
I’m going back to bed.
June 7, 2009 at 6:30 am |
I knew what you meant, but going back to bed is still probably a good idea. *hugs*
June 7, 2009 at 6:50 am |
I just came by to read.
I’m most concerned about my own novel. I know it’s not a memoir but obviously I have drawn on personal experience. Are people going to look for themselves in my characters?
Makes me leery of letting anyone read it…
June 7, 2009 at 7:40 am |
Well — your best bet would be to let people read it who don’t know you personally, and upon whom you are unlikely to have based your characters. They’ll give you a more honest opinion, plus you won’t have to worry that they’re identifying themselves in your characters.
June 7, 2009 at 6:51 am |
It’s always jarring to see that kind of tragedy in your own environment.
As for the book, I know what you mean. I read When Rabbit Howls as a teenager and it was hard to read, horrifying to read. I did though (it involves multiple personalities, but I don’t recommend it to you, not because it’s not well-written, but because it is a chronicle of pain). I’m not sorry I read it, partially because it prepared me for the family I would marry into later, partially because it helped with my own perspective, partially because, if I don’t know what people are capable of, I can’t protect my loved ones.
Truth is, I have been lucky.
Don’t knock your own struggles. What will break one person makes another stronger. We all have different strengths and vulnerabilities. There’s no one yardstick and no right or wrong answer on how we respond to life’s torments.
June 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm |
Thanks, Steph. I appreciate the perspective.
June 7, 2009 at 6:56 am |
Ugh. I feel for you. I recently had to copyedit this book by Michael Stone, and, man, was it depressing and disturbing. I had to watch cartoons every afternoon to lift my spirits. It’s hard to be objective sometimes.
JD at I Do Things
June 7, 2009 at 7:41 am |
Yikes. That would have been a tough project. Henitsirk over at http://www.anthromama.wordpress.com had a project similar to yours recently as well. It could, I realize, always be worse. At least my project is only 60K words.
June 7, 2009 at 8:25 pm
This world is just really, really freaky. THAT *WAS* THE SAME BOOK– JD copy edited it, I proofread it. What are the odds?
Yes, suffering is relative. Sometimes I worry that I’m screwing up my kids every time I yell at them or whatever, and that they’ll be scarred for life. Then I remember the truly abusive or neglectful family situations out there, and I calm down about it.
June 7, 2009 at 1:48 pm |
Ouch, that manuscript sounds terrible, particularly when you have to get deep into it at the level of every sentence and I do applaud the idea of working backwards. I could handle this sort of material as an academic because it was in French. You really need all the distancing aids you can get. Can you play music in the background and still have the right level of concentration? Anything that’s going to keep you focusing on the amoeba level of punctuation, rather than delving into the content. Good luck with it.
June 7, 2009 at 5:26 pm |
That’s a tough assignment, David. She’s lucky to have you, as disturbing as it is.
When I was a reporter I often had to call next of kin for comments. There was once a car accident that resulted in three deaths. Calling the parents of the driver (who was incredibly drunk, the cause of the accident) was extremely painful, for them and me.
I don’t miss that job at all.
June 8, 2009 at 12:15 am |
That’s grim. But she’s going to be so happy you soldiered on – this probably constitutes the largest effort anyone has ever made to genuinely help her out.
Weird about the guy.
June 8, 2009 at 7:57 am |
The editing you are doing is something like being a psychiatrist, or at least a mental health nurse or aid.
June 9, 2009 at 5:20 pm |
1. Cops really have the worst jobs, don’t they? And pretty much thankless.
2. I’m with Doctordi on this; your effort to allow her to present her story in the most readable format is probably the biggest task anyone has ever undertaken for her benefit. If there is such a thing as karma, yours will be in credit for this – you’ll be coming back as a cat, for sure