While it will be noted that I am not someone who usually stints himself in regard to the daily necessities of life, and I believe in spending extra money for things such as eco-friendly cleaning products, organic foods, and fancy vinegar (but one bottle lasts me a year, so it’s worth it), there is one quotidian requirement I’m very cheap about: toilet paper. I resent the fact that I have to buy it, I resent the poor planning that made it necessary (haven’t we evolved past this kind of thing yet? Why not, I ask? Intelligent design? Not so much, I’d say).
Therefore, in annoyance at a nonexistent God who wouldn’t care about my annoyance even if he did exist, I buy the type of toilet paper that comes five gazillion sandpaper-sheets to a roll, and costs the equivalent of ten cents per linear mile. This is a fine example of cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face (or it would be, if I didn’t break down and buy good-quality Kleenex … I’m not quite that far gone).
A couple of days ago, I was taking photographs at a client’s house. I always enjoy this; when the client is gone at work, I can do things like look at their books, and see what they keep in their kitchen cupboards (and while we’re on that topic, it’s amazing how dirty a lot of people’s cupboards are). Anyway, whiilst engaged in this mildly intrusive and voyeuristic form of entertainment/work, I had occasion to visit the smallest room, and discovered that these people were my polar opposites in toilet tissue expense philosophy. They had purchased what must have been the most expensive kind they could find … the kind like fluffed ermine. I’d never encountered such toilet paper in my life. I have to say, I was impressed.
I wasn’t impressed enough to actually buy any for myself, but I did wonder whether I could contrive some excuse to stop by again when they wouldn’t be home, and the time would be right.
April 20, 2008 at 11:18 pm |
We all care for David, even though he doesn’t care much for himself. Let’s start a fund to buy him a year’s supply of the Gucci of toilet paper. Every time he uses it, he be reminded of his admiring readers.
April 21, 2008 at 3:56 am |
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this wonderful post. It made me laugh for the first time since one of your other posts did that same thing!
I hate spending money on toilet paper. It’s literally throwing money down the drain, in my opinion. However, I do buy the good stuff. I shop for a good price and when I find it, I buy enough toilet paper to last at least three months! My older daughter has a knack for finding an incredibly good price on it so I let her find it for me when I need it.
I think you should go back “at the right time” and then tell us about it!
April 21, 2008 at 5:01 am |
Mr. Random, we’d have to buy it ourselves, not send him the money. But yes.
April 21, 2008 at 5:25 am |
I’m the opposite. In a land of strange, often stomach upsetting food, I buy the soft TP. You never know when you will need a lot of it. But the expensive stuff is $2.50 US for a giant pack.
Not being able to read the labels I purchase the paper that has a pretty dog on the wrapper. I have found that TP softness equates to canines on the packaging.
April 21, 2008 at 7:10 am |
This is odd. I don’t normally think about loo roll (that’s what we English call toilet paper) very often, but this morning I was thinking about it on my walk to work. Mostly I was thinking about how virtuous I am that I only ever buy 100% recycled, non bleached, locally produced loo roll. And then wondering whether that actually makes any real difference to the planet.
And then I get to work and check your blog and here you are, talking about loo roll.
“do-do-do-dooo” *Twilight Zone theme tune*
It must be Fate. Or the fact that we’re both still stuck in a phase which I’m sure Freud would have a name for…
April 21, 2008 at 5:33 pm |
In thinking about fluffy cat’s comment, I had the following thoughts, perhaps unparalleled in their uselessness and silliness (even for me):
a) We should not just buy the loo paper (I like that name better–thanks, truce) for David, but we should go ahead and start a toilet paper company.
b) Not only that, but we should not start out small. We should immediately create a gigantic multi-national globalized corporation. For example, truce will be in charge of the Commonwealth Division. She can work with Average Jane, who can provide special insights on the Indian loo paper market.
c) Where do we get the capital to start such a large enterprise, you ask? Now that large banks
(Citi Bank, Bear Sterns, J P Morgan, etc.) have come a cropper (I better be careful not to mistype an “a” for an “o” here) with the subprime lending fiasco, they are no doubt looking for a safe place to invest what few billions they have left in their vaults. We will make them an offer they can’t refuse: Invest with us and you will wipe up the competition we will tell them.
d) We will need a mascot and an advertising campaign. At first I thought of “littlefluffycat” brand, but then an even better idea stuck me: Little Liu Brand Loo Paper.
e) Next a container ship full of incredibly fluffy silk loo paper (straight from China, the only place with silkworms) docks at David’s house. “Where do we put the containers?” the longshoremen ask.
April 21, 2008 at 5:39 pm |
Since I’ve begun seeing my honey, my “tastes” have changed. He likes the fancy stuff. I was always buying the cheap stuff but when I noticed he likes the “Gucci” stuff, well, I went there. And I haven’t looked back! The main thing here is that those roles that say “you only need a few sheets” actually deliver. It lasts a long time!
April 21, 2008 at 6:03 pm |
Mr.Random, your mind strangely interests me. I wish I had the billions to fund this wonderful enterprise. That lovely line ” you will wipe up the competition” has me sold. However, I wonder if India has too much need for toilet paper.We are sorta eco-friendly down here (ooh, this is catching!). But I am all for sending David the Gucci and Prada of loo satin sheets. I can just picture him rollicking in them!
April 21, 2008 at 6:31 pm |
[...] and due to a life of improvidence and stupid mistakes does not have enough money put away to buy loo paper,much less other necessities of life, I have been trying to inch my pathetic little stock portfolio [...]
April 21, 2008 at 9:52 pm |
There’s one thing I won’t scrimp on, and that’s toilet paper. I’ll cheap out on everything else, but I must have the nice fluffy stuff touching my posterior.
You’re welcome for a visit any time, D.
April 21, 2008 at 10:32 pm |
Pan — Can I visit even if I stay in the bathroom the whole time?
AJ — The mental image of me “rollicking” with expensive toilet paper is more than even I can conjure up.
Vroni — I’m tempted to make some kind of bad joke in regard to your line “And I haven’t looked back” but I’m going to take the high road, and refrain.
Mr. Random — As I’ve said before recently, I only write here in hope of getting comments like these from you. I love the idea of “Little Liu Loo Paper.”
Truce — This is a clear case of harmonic convergence.
April 21, 2008 at 10:34 pm |
LFC — You’re right; if you just send money, I’ll buy balsamic vinegar with it.
Stevo — That’s a good point. When I was confined to the house for a week with something involving large amounts of toilet paper, I really wished I’d bought the more expensive kind.
Corina — Glad to have given you a laugh.
Mr. Random — Oh, come now … I think of all of you frequently under unflattering circumstances already.
April 22, 2008 at 12:58 am |
#12 Balsamic vinegar scented loo paper?
In any case, David has indicated he has never had fun. He has to start somewhere. This project will be the first kick…err, step.
April 22, 2008 at 2:00 am |
I admit it: I like to squeeze the Charmin.
April 22, 2008 at 5:45 am |
Only the softest stuff will do for me because I take good care of my (very delicate) skin, from top to… er… bottom.
That being said, I must say that I disagree with you David — we, as the human race have not evolved all that much. We’re using bigger, more sophisticated weapons, but there are plenty of Neanderthals still walking among us. For some who might think too highly of themselves, it’s a good thing that they get daily reminders that they’re just like the rest of the animal species.
I wonder what kind of tp a Neanderthal with a God complex would use…
April 22, 2008 at 6:21 am |
“Now that large banks have come a cropper… ‘o’ not ‘a’…”
*chortle*
If I am to be in charge of the Commonwealth (formerly the Imperial) Division, then I insist on certain rules.
All customers/subjects will be able to purchase Little Liu Loo Paper only on condition that they a) are immediately baptised into the Anglican Faith whether they understand what is going on or not, b) that they cover up any exposed areas of their body in garments absurdly unsuited to their local climate and c) that they commit to a complete and unswerving loyalty to our brand in perpetuity and do not insist on independence a mere 200 years later.
All those in favour?…
April 22, 2008 at 6:26 am |
David, you must never never never buy that sandpaper. Never. It just isn’t done.
April 22, 2008 at 8:46 am |
truce,
I’m afraid the Commonwealth Division product may have to be “re-labeled” as the “Mad Dogs and Englishmen” brand, with a blinding midday sun as the picture on the package.
April 22, 2008 at 11:42 am |
Truce, I hereby send in my strongly worded (I am yet to form them as I am of a singularly mild nature)and suitably indignant protest. I specially object to covering up of exposed areas.
April 22, 2008 at 12:07 pm |
modestypress – good point. I shall now go and lie down on the verandha with a gin and tonic to contemplate it.
Average Jane – oh alright, if its suitably indignant then I shall relent and allow you a measure of independence: as long as the currency you use to buy the aforesaid product still has the Queen on it, you can frolic about with as much flesh exposed as you like. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you get sun burn…
April 22, 2008 at 12:19 pm |
Jolly good, then. How bout we compromise and use Hugh Grant instead of the Queen?
April 22, 2008 at 12:23 pm |
Oh, sorry, this IS David’s blog and David’s loo paper (how could I forget, sheesh!)so let’s have him on the currency.
April 22, 2008 at 12:31 pm |
You could have my black and white icon on one side, and my color icon on the other side. Something for everyone!
April 24, 2008 at 8:47 am |
I think you should just steal a roll from your client. It’s a win-win situation… the pleasure of the plush paper, and the sneaky knowledge of impish mischief.
April 25, 2008 at 8:03 am |
I can relate with your complaint about ‘design issues’.
I can’t believe human beings still have extra teeth that come in even though we don’t need spares anymore, and haven’t for hundreds of years. I’m pretty resentful about the whole wisdom teeth thing cus it made one of my perfect bottom teeth go crooked. What’s the sense in that?
May 2, 2008 at 3:23 am |
I do go with the ‘Gucci’ TP, I want to make sure I have a normal walk.
I also take care of my skin from top to bottom and I just would not be able to cope with any sort of ‘rash’ anywhere… 
David, you should make it a habit of stopping by ‘at the right time’…
May 10, 2008 at 12:10 pm |
Charmin Basic, David. You can have the best of both worlds.
May 13, 2008 at 4:06 am |
Have you considered installing a bidet? A one-time expenditure, and you never will need toilet paper again.
May 13, 2008 at 12:12 pm |
Bidet, my dear teaspoon? I think our David quite glories in little luxuries. Why deny him those?
May 13, 2008 at 12:13 pm |
You know, I think I would quite like the bidet, if I had room for one.