I am spending a couple of days by myself down at the beach condo; despite just having been here for Christmas, it’s different to be here by myself, and it’s an opportunity I rarely have.  I’d like to share the recipe for the pasta I made for dinner.  In order to have the same memorable experience, it will be important to approximate the same conditions as nearly as possible.

1) Install yourself in a largely-unfamiliar kitchen, half an hour away from a grocery store, in the middle of a West Coast maelstrom, so there is really no hope of your dashing out to replace ingredients.

2) Plan for this meal at least two days in advance.  Go shopping for it right after a very disturbing session with your therapist, so you aren’t able to concentrate on what you’re doing.  Buy a kind of mushroom you’ve never seen before, the flavor of which will be a complete surprise.  Also buy about a cup of Kalamata olives, a sprig of fresh rosemary, a handful of fresh spinach, two Roma tomatoes, and a free-range chicken breast.

3) In a medium-sized skillet, heat 1 tablespoon of fruity olive oil.  Cut the chicken breast into several smaller pieces.  After you put the chicken in the skillet, realize that this stove doesn’t work like your gas stove at home, and the skillet isn’t hot. Turn the heat up.  The chicken will never brown properly now, but oh well.  After the oil is hot, add half a chopped onion, two chopped cloves of garlic, and half a cup of coarsely-chopped Kalamata olives.  Don’t forget to eat one of the olives in advance, and be sure you get the only one that still  has the pit in it.  Be appropriately grateful that you didn’t break a tooth. 

4) Wash and trim the mushrooms.  Notice that they have a strong spicy smell, rather like shiitakes.  Let it cross your mind that this might not taste great with olives.  Put it out of your mind, and continue on.

5) Chop the tomatoes.  Add the tomatoes, mushrooms, and spinach to the skillet.  Realize that you should have used the large skillet, rather than the medium skillet.  Add the fresh rosemary, finely chopped.  Spend several minutes desperately pushing the ingredients around in the undersized pan. Decide to cover, and let the vegetables sweat to reduce their volume.

6) Put the pasta on to cook.

7) Wait several minutes, then look at the contents of the skillet.  It won’t smell very good.  Add three tablespoons of 12-year balsamic vinegar, and start praying.

8 When the pasta is cooked, you’ll realize that there is no colander in the kitchen; nor is there a lid for the pot.  Drain the pasta awkwardly, using a bread plate to filter out the water.  Ouch, that hurts when the plate slips and the water burns your hand.

9) What do they use to disinfect the sink after a cutting board with raw meat has been in it?  You won’t be able to find any kind of disinfectant kitchen cleaner.  Set a teakettle full of water to boil, so you can scald the sink. 

10) Poke dispiritedly at the sweaty vegetables in the skillet.  Decide they need to cook a little longer, and you might as well check your e-mail while you wait.

11) Mutter imprecations directed at the slowness of the f—ing wi-fi.

12) Continue to mutter when it disconnects just as you hit “send” on a long response to a client.

13) What’s that smell? Oh God, the vegetables have gone from sweaty to dessicated. Something is burning. It’s everything in the skillet.  Take it off the heat immediately.  Scrape it out of the pan, and toss it with the pasta. 

14) Pretend to enjoy.