This is the conversation I had this morning with the nurse, Sue, at my doctor’s office. I explained the basic situation to her, and asked what she thought I should do. We went on from there:
Her: Well, it’s probably a virus, and you know, there’s nothing we can do about that anyway.
Me: Yes, I know — but I was wondering whether you have any suggestions as to how I can make myself a bit more comfortable; I’m in a lot of pain.
Her: Pain?
Me: Yes — it hurts. That kind of pain.
Her: Well, that’s kind of strange with a virus. Do you also have (symptom too nasty to specify in writing)?
Me: I did yesterday, but it doesn’t seem to be happening today.
Her: How about (something equally revolting)?
Me: Yes, I have that.
Her: Well, we could try to fit you in this afternoon.
Me: The challenge, as I’ve already told you, is that I don’t see how I can possibly make the trip to your office, due to the extreme, sudden, and voluminous nature of the problem. Is it possible for you to call in a prescription that might slow things down sufficiently for me to take a twenty-minute car trip without having an accident?
Her: Did you try the over the counter stuff?
Me: Yes; I took twice the recommended dose, with no apparent result.
Her: There’s nothing more we can give you. Do you want to come in?
Me: Do you think I should?
Her: Well honey, I don’t know. Do you think it’s a virus?
Me: I don’t know; that’s why I called to ask you. I am reluctant to subject someone’s car, and your waiting room, to a potential sanitary disaster only to be told that it’s a virus and you can’t do anything. On the other hand, I am equally reluctant to die of amoebic dysentery or God knows what else. Any suggestions?
Her: You could get some Depends and hope for the best.
Me: (after a moment spent thinking that this must be exactly what it’s like to be old, and at the mercy of people who don’t seem to really care about your dignity) Maybe I’ll just see how I feel tomorrow.
Post Scriptum to Conversation:
Me: So, Mom, I’ve decided not to go … I actually think the trauma and humiliation would make the whole thing worse. Plus, I just can’t imagine taking that kind of risk with your car … I don’t know how well Depends work, after all.
My Mom: Oh honey, don’t worry about that. We’d take your car.
October 24, 2007 at 5:41 am |
I like conversations. Here’s the one I had with myself after reading this.
Me: Wow! David’s Mom is cool. I see why he always says nice things about her.
Me: Yeah. But, did he take Imodium or something weaker?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe that isn’t available over the counter there.
Me: Weird. You’d think it would be.
Me: Oh. Common. You’re assuming that’s what the problem is. Maybe it’s pee.
Me: No. That’s the problem. He said he was thinking of me.
Me: Ahh. I have a point there.
October 24, 2007 at 7:16 am |
I’ve got some leftover codeine left over from my staph infection. I could send it to you, but you’ll probably have recovered by the time it gets to you.
October 24, 2007 at 8:39 am |
Mr.Hand — Yes, that is available OTC, and it is what I took, and it just so completely didn’t work. Either it’s working better today, or I’m getting better by myself. Either way, you can reassure yourself that you were right.
Rhi — That’s very sweet of you. I’m allergic to codeine, but I appreciate the thought.
October 24, 2007 at 9:19 am |
Holy cow! I’m astounded that didn’t shut things down. I have only taken it once (and I think I described the other circumstances another time). It worked. It was unpleasant. It shut things down completely for a day and a half. I still felt crappy but at least I could sleep for longer than 20 minutes.
If that stuff didn’t work for you…wow. I’m glad you’re feeling less hideous otherwise I’d say go to the doctor or hospital even for re-hydration.
October 24, 2007 at 9:42 am |
Oh dear, I started to suggest a nice hot bath with Epson salts, for your aches and pain, but with your current symptoms that could turn into a horrifying experience.
Sometimes going completely off sugar helps. If you can tolerate Pedialyte (the stuff they give babies) it works great for keeping adults hydrated too, and it won’t irritate your tender stomach.
October 24, 2007 at 10:24 am |
Shawn’s comment did cause me to laugh, and I do get that this isn’t a laughing situation. Ugh. I have a puke phobia, so if you’re dealing with both ends, it’s be enough to make me faint. (I do faint when I puke, which is probably why I haven’t done so since I was 11.)
October 24, 2007 at 11:08 am |
Mr. Hand — Yeah, amazing, isn’t it? The doctor’s office was equally baffled. Luckily things have slowed down a bit, and I was able to drink 64 oz of mixed Gatorade and water, so hopefully my fluids are sort of back in balance.
Shawn — That was just too funny. What hurts now is my gut, which feels as though 1)someone has spent three days kicking it continually, and 2) as though someone periodically squeezes it from one end to the other with a pair of steel clamps. Fortunately, though, I haven’t had any actual stomach trouble; it’s all, um, further down. Which is great, because I have a terrible vomit phobia, like ybonesy, though I can’t match her impressive avoidance record.
ybonesy — It’s fine with me if you laugh, I promise.
October 24, 2007 at 11:17 am |
David, David, David!
Please recall that I did suggest last week that you had the flu and you “yelled” at me, or at least your tone implied you were yelling at me.
Immodium works. If it didn’t, I’d say you definitely have something that you should have been seen for at the doctor. (that’s a very strange sentence but I don’t care because I’m tired, I’m pissed at the neighbor who stuffed their trash in my can and now my trash doesn’t fit and it’s trash pick up at 6 am tomorrow, and I’m hungry, and I just am not in the mood to care about grammar)
Depends would take care of the problem. And if you send your mom to get them, you won’t have to go through the embarrassment of having to be seen purchasing them. A definite plus.
If you aren’t better in the morning, call Sue back and tell her you need to be seen and that you need to be assured that you will be seen fairly soon after you arrive because of the probable consequences. At the very least they should be able to take you to wait some place in the back, other than in the waiting room.
BTW, the reason I suggested the flu last week is that your symptoms at the onset of this episode are the exact symptoms I get when I have the flu.
October 24, 2007 at 11:19 am |
P.S. I assume it is not necessary to suggest that you take a change of clothes, including shoes, if you end up going to the doctor? You know the motto, be prepared.
October 24, 2007 at 11:35 am |
Corina — I have this weird problem where I’m very fussy about the definition of “flu.” Technically, flu is an acute febrile contagious respiratory disease, which leads to prostration and complications such as pneumonia. What I have, and what you had, are viral gastroenteritis, which is not the flu, but which is unfortunately referred to by that name. The reason that the reference is unfortunate is that people get vaccinated for flu thinking that it will prevent viral gastroenteritis, which it won’t. Flu is what caused the epidemic that killed more people after World War One than had died in the war. What I have is just a damned nuisance.
So I was objecting in a terminological sense, and I apologize if it sounded like I yelled; that was ungracious (now you know how my mother feels). And yes, I already thought about the change of clothes … and shoes.
October 24, 2007 at 11:44 am |
Interesting definition because in my many years of life, I have come across the flu many times and it is my understanding that different strains of flu have different symptoms. Or at least what most people refer to as flu. I know Asian flu in the 70’s had the horrible gastric symptoms and the rheumatic ones as well. Then there was the Hong Kong flu in, I think, the 80’s. So my assumption is that different strains have different symptoms and that a number of the recent strains have had the gastroenteritis type of symptoms, as well as the rheumatic ones. I also have rheumatoid arthritis so perhaps when I get the flu those symptoms hit me because I am predisposed to them.
I don’t know. I should go find some half empty trashcans down the street and put my trash in them instead of sitting here angry about it.
October 24, 2007 at 12:01 pm |
Corina — you started to make me think I was nuts, so I re-researched.
One of the reasons it’s important to me to be clear about what I have is due to the risk of infecting other people. If I have the real flu, the virus is airborne. If I have viral or bacterial gastroenteritis, it’s contact-borne, and the risk is different.
This is what the Mayo Clinic says:
Although it’s commonly called stomach flu, gastroenteritis isn’t the same as influenza. Real flu (influenza) affects your respiratory system — your nose, throat and lungs. Gastroenteritis, on the other hand, attacks your intestines, causing signs and symptoms such as:
Watery, usually nonbloody diarrhea. Bloody diarrhea usually means you have a different, more severe infection.
Abdominal cramps and pain.
Nausea, vomiting or both.
Occasional muscle aches or headache.
Low-grade fever.
Depending on the cause, viral gastroenteritis symptoms may appear within one to three days after you’re infected and can range from mild to severe. Symptoms usually last just a day or two, but occasionally they may persist as long as 10 days.
Because the symptoms are similar, it’s easy to confuse viral diarrhea with diarrhea caused by bacteria such as salmonella and Escherichia coli (E. coli) or parasites such as giardia.
And this is what WebMD says:
The symptoms of influenza (flu) appear suddenly and often include:
Fever of 100 F to 104 F, which can reach 106 F when symptoms first develop. Fever is usually continuous, but it may come and go. Fever may be lower in older adults than in children and younger adults. When fever is high, other symptoms usually are more severe.
Body aches and muscle pain (often severe), commonly in the back, arms, or legs.
Headache.
Pain when you move your eyes.
Fatigue, a general feeling of sickness (malaise), and loss of appetite.
A dry cough, runny nose, and dry or sore throat. You may not notice these during the first few days of the illness when other symptoms are more severe. As your fever goes away, these symptoms may become more evident.
Influenza usually does not cause symptoms in the stomach or intestines, such as vomiting and diarrhea.
So I guess I still don’t really know … I had the wrong fever and joint pain for gastroenteritis, and the wrong other symptoms for flu. Maybe it’s some other alien disease.
October 24, 2007 at 12:34 pm |
*Oh Yikes! There are entirely too many body emissions on this thread!*
Poor David, I’m glad your sense of humor is intact, and you’re getting plenty of fluids. Please do go see the doctor tomorrow if you’re not feeling better. What you’re describing sounds miserable and frightening.
October 24, 2007 at 4:49 pm |
You remind me of the Pied Piper. You lead people along so effortlessly. On another note, I am relieved to hear you are doing better. I never have any advice to give on such matters. You are getting plenty anyway from far more sensible people. I just supply the wisecracks.
October 24, 2007 at 9:17 pm |
I’m sorry, but I had to laugh. I’m sure you are suffering, but the humor in this is not to be missed.
October 25, 2007 at 5:16 am |
hahaha!!!
I love how understated a lot of this article is. If I had done it, I probably would’ve scared everyone away with all of my synonyms for explosions and such.
October 25, 2007 at 5:33 am |
This is a problem I see often, in myself and co-workers. It is gently described as having a “bad stomach.” I feel you discomfort.
October 25, 2007 at 5:44 am |
Finally stopping by to say hello David.
At the beginning of this I was trying to guess what symptom you had that was to nasty to put in writing. I gather from the mention of Depends I guessed correctly.
October 25, 2007 at 7:41 am |
Dash — Thank you. I’m glad you found this … enjoyable?
Stevo — If I had this “often,” I’d kill myself. I am glad I don’t live where you do, despite your wonderful anecdotes and photos.
Wanda — Hello, nice to see you! And actually, you probably didn’t guess quite correctly … the things too nasty to mention were, um, queries about specific, uh …. subset types of the particular problem I’m having. Involving … other bodily substances that shouldn’t necessarily be involved. *cough*
October 25, 2007 at 7:49 pm |
I’m going to write a book about you. I’ll call it “I’m Okay, You’re Okay? Well … That Depends.”
October 25, 2007 at 8:56 pm |
David, I am trying desperately to think of something funny to say about a not very funny situation. I was going to say again, you are not allowed to die before me, but that wasn’t even funny the first time, much less the second.
How about making terrorist threats on the nurse and the doctor’s office? “Unless you provide me with some relief immediately, I will breathe right in your face and in the faces of everybody in your office. And then I will have unmentionable symptoms all over your office and put my hands on everything. Then you will all join me in the night of the living dead and become zombies like me. Unless you help me immediately.”
Not very good, I admit, as is your situation. There’s only so much I can help over the Internet.
October 25, 2007 at 9:07 pm |
I’m only just now catching up with all your travails. Ouch, get well soon, David.
October 26, 2007 at 3:53 am |
Mr. Random, I regret to report that the doctor’s office seems impervious to threat. I have previously noticed stains on the carpet that would support my perception of said imperviousness.
October 26, 2007 at 4:59 am |
Does your doctor operate a morgue as well? Are the people who work there androids instead of humans?
October 26, 2007 at 6:36 am |
In the event that you feel good, would you please write a post on pMILF?
October 26, 2007 at 6:44 am |
Now that you haven’t posted for about 24 hours, I’m wondering if we should send EMT.
October 26, 2007 at 8:49 am |
OH, you poor thing. That sounds like utter misery. I wish I could think of something more helpful to say. I am praying that you’ll feel better.
October 26, 2007 at 8:55 am |
Yes, do what that smart BobbyGoatGRUFF says. He knows best.
I was fascinated by the comments on this post.
1) You were offered drugs by mail. That never happens to me.
2) Despite feeling lousy, you researched your illness not once but twice, just to prove that you were right. You are a stubborn man, darling David.
Get well. Now. And drink lots of water.
October 26, 2007 at 8:58 am |
ybonesy, he’s okay. I was getting worried too, till he left a comment on my blog a few hours ago.
David, you must keep folks updated when you think you might be dying.
October 26, 2007 at 9:52 am |
I hope things get better for you. In the interim, it is nice to see you haven’t lost any humor. The last part was funny, and I don’t feel guilty laughing because I’m fairly certain the humor was intentional. Correct me if I am wrong.